We hate to break to you but every time you use “Best regards” at the closing part of your email, you get -1 badass point.
Writing an email is also talking to someone, except virtually. Do you end your letter with “Regards” like a normal person? Wow, you must be so boring. Don’t tell me you even make shit worse by adding Best, so it becomes “Best regards?” Quick, call an ambulance! Someone’s about to die of Uncoolness.
This is an emergency situation that should be dealt with immediately. There’s no way on earth you should be closing your letter like that. You’re a major rockstar. You can do better. Please take a seat and listen to what I say as I cure you of this really uncool habit. Here’s a list of how you should be ending your email.
You’re an Armie Hammer: slick, smooth, macho. You’re not the lame character played by Timothee Chalamet who cried in front of his parents when his boyfriend left him. End your letter the way Oliver from Call Me By Your Name ends his encounter with humans. Say, “Later.” It doesn’t necessarily mean you want to talk to them again. You just have to say it because you need to prove that you rock.
“Well, that was awkward. Peace out, bruh.”
Writing an email is like pretending to act like a lame office worker in real life. After complaining to the company via email why there is no free beer in your office, you should drop the whole formality act asap. Redeem yourself. Admit that it was an uncomfortable talk on your behalf to make sure they understand that you were only pretending to sound formal and lame.
People think this line is hip. I don’t agree with these average creatures because this is literally the dumbest thing ever, but you gotta go with the flow, bro.
“Give me my fucking pythons back, Ryan. You sick fuck.”
Now that you’re writing to someone, which is a really rare occasion for a punk like you, take this opportunity to call the attention of Ryan, who stole all your 36 reticulated pythons. There’s a tiny chance your email recipient is actually your snake-stealing ex-friend pretending to be the HR person of the company you’re applying for, but the chances are never zero. Keep that in mind. Never. Zero.
The coolest people on earth usually just leave a conversation without saying anything. You simply dismiss someone after you’re done with them because you’re a superior being and there’s no reason for you to be polite with mediocre people. The next time you send your HR a request for leave of absence, just tell them your reason— that you need to be out of the country for a week to start a cult in Vietnam— and then walk away like a boss.
(Disclaimer: This content was written for purely entertainment purposes only. Please don’t take anything you’ve read seriously.)
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