Everything seems to be going well between you two, and suddenly he/she cuts off all contact without an explanation. Let’s take a look into our least favorite disappearing act and why we think it should stop!
Ghosting. It may sound very rare but in reality, more than half of the dating population has either been ghosted or have ghosted someone. If you’re one of the latter, we’re not judging you, but we all need to learn. Ghosting. Is not. Cool. And here’s why we think so!
Why do people ghost?
Yes, the word “ghost” has become a verb, and an adjective, too, if we’re talking about being ghosted. If love is fire, ghosting is the emergency exit. Ghosting is more likely to happen to people who met online as there are far less social consequences after the action. You wouldn’t have to see him/her every day, you don’t have mutual friends in real life who could actually keep you two connected, so the recovery wouldn’t be as tough. If you know someone in real life and still have the audacity to ghost them, then you have the guts, but it’s not something we admire.
Here are some reasons:
For one, ghosters tend to focus more on their own feelings and consider the other person’s emotions less. It’s either this or they don’t think about what the other person would feel at all. One minor inconvenience and then *poof*… they’d vanish into thin air. There can be a lot of reasons why people ghost other people. One, the fear of actual commitment—ghosters tend to back out when they feel like things are getting serious. They’re only there for the fling, the fun, and the excitement, but never to be in a relationship.
Two, confusion of emotions–—some people don’t know how they really feel and instead of talking it out, they decide to disappear from the face of the Earth. People don’t always know what they want, but they still get into emotional commitments without the intent of keeping it.
Three, our toxic dating culture—today’s technology and the availability of dating apps and social media has made it so easy to just drop a person without any reason. We don’t blame the technology though. I still think there are pretty good and solid relationships formed over the internet, but it’s the people and the culture we are creating.
We are making it look normal to just pull a Casper on somebody who invested their time, efforts and emotions in us. And it’s not okay. We can come up with a gazillion reasons as to why we would want to ghost somebody. But guess, what, no reason is ever enough to ghost someone without an explanation.
Why we should never ghost anyone
Ghosting sometimes may seem like the easy route until it’s done to you. Which is why we should quit the habit of ghosting.
One, it can be traumatic— the pain of being ghosted is a whole different pain, because this time, you don’t know why you were left behind. And people take that with them, you know? They rarely get out of it with the same self-worth as they did. It is damaging, to say the least. Opening up to other people might be difficult to do all over again because of the emotional trauma it caused.
Two, it gives the ghosted no clue as to how to react. Should they be worried? What if something bad happened to you and that’s why you suddenly couldn’t communicate? Should they be upset? Are you just busy? They could be there waiting for a text, chat, or a call that would never arrive because they have no idea what happened. They had no idea they have been ghosted. Just try to imagine that.
Three, when you ghost people, it makes them question everything– was the relationship even real? Why haven’t they seen it coming? Why hadn’t they known in the beginning that you weren’t serious about it? Somehow they see it as their fault because the ghoster didn’t want to take the blame.
I guess the common denominator of all these reasons is that we need to practice empathy. If you’ve experienced being ghosted before, you’d know that it’s not a pleasant feeling. But if you’re one of the lucky people who haven’t experienced it and you’re planning to ghost someone, try to have some empathy. Think it through, put your feet in their shoes, and think about how it would be like for them. This goes even worse if you two shared some kind of intimacy, may it be personal or online.
The point is, the person shared a part of themselves with us and let us in. Mind you, deciding to trust people enough to let them you get to know them is something that doesn’t come off as easy. It takes a lot of thinking and consideration. Some people suffer from emotional trauma, making it harder to open up, but still, they chose to be open to us. And by ghosting them we are putting it all to waste.
Explain and communicate.
No reason could be enough to leave someone without an explanation. If you’re not happy with what’s been going on between you two and you want to stop, talk it out. Communicate. It would hurt them, sure. But at least have the decency to explain why you want to stop. Because the only reason you’d want to ghost someone is if you can’t find a good enough reason to leave. Either you just got bored or you just woke up not wanting them anymore, in which case, why enter the commitment in the first place?
We should stop playing with people’s feelings, period. Or if there’s some reason you want to call it quits, just tell the person, because nothing’s more painful than sitting alone wondering what went wrong, or if you weren’t enough. Nothing is worse than feeling dispensable, disrespected, and betrayed.
For those who got ghosted:
Number one, it’s not your fault. Don’t ever blame yourself and question your worth just because somebody failed to see it. I know it might have been a huge blow to your self-esteem, but you are worthy of love, it just happened to be the wrong person. Number two, don’t take it out on other people. I know we tend to want to make others feel how we felt, but revenge isn’t always the sweetest thing. Don’t let a ghoster turn you rock hard, it is still okay to be kind because not everyone will screw you over. Lastly, don’t be afraid to open yourself to somebody else again. It will take time to heal, of course, and we get that. You don’t have to force anything if you’re not ready, but when you are, don’t be afraid to take risks. The mystery of love lies in its unpredictability.
So that’s it! Never ghost anyone. There are a lot of ways to end any kind of relationship, but ghosting should never be one of them. Have you ever been ghosted or have you ever ghosted someone? Let us know in the comments, or message us on Facebook and Twitter @UDoUPh. We’d love to hear from you!