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LIFESTYLE: Why I stopped checking my partner’s social media account

May 23, 2019 Kae Luna

Passwords. Conversations. Full access. Sometimes, constantly checking our partner’s social media accounts isn’t always healthy for the relationship or to us. Here’s why!

Having access to your partner’s social media account is not a bad thing. And whether you prefer to have access to it is up to you and your partner. I, personally, have access to my partner’s social media and am very free to check it every minute but I started choosing not to. Heads up, I’m no relationship expert, I’ll only be speaking from experiences (both mine and some friends’) and observation. This could easily be a debate of trust versus faithfulness, but, you know, there can be a healthy balance between both!

The why

Let’s start off with the reason why we get the insatiable urge to check our partner’s social media. Has he/she cheated before? Kept a secret from you? Or is there just the desire to keep everything in check, just to make sure your partner is not doing anything crazy or talking to someone else? The situation does not only apply to females—although it is very common in girls—there are also a lot of guys who do this. If you’re one of those people who do so, don’t worry, it’s understandable, in fact, I’ve been there, too!

 

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The reason why we want to constantly check our partner’s social media accounts can range from simple mistakes, maybe a chat left on ‘read’, or them actually cheating on you before. It can also be because of an ex who cheated on us by having “secret conversations”, and the likes. The bottom line is, we’re either trying to prevent them from keeping things from us, or we want to catch them keeping things from us.

The why not

I don’t think we should constantly check our partner’s social media accounts and I think I couldn’t say it clearer. I mean, an occasional visit is okay when you’re together, but being so invested in your partner’s private messages is not going to be healthy for you and the relationship. I’m not even saying this about a random moment when you just wanted to check his phone and he defensively takes it away from you because if that’s the case, run (!!!). He’s hiding something, and we can all just wish it’s a sweet surprise for you or something. If you want to view it, your partner shouldn’t have any problem showing it to you, and you should do the same thing.

But, as I’ve said, this isn’t about that. Truth is, I’ve been in a state where, when my boyfriend failed to reply to my messages, or have been busy, I automatically think he’s talking to someone else. So I snoop to his social media (without him knowing), trying to catch him on the act. Or at night when he’d have told me he’s already sleeping, I check to see if he’s still chatting with someone else. I do it constantly and every time. And it has had me crazy for a good number of months before I decided, no, I don’t want my mindset to be like this.

Consider the relationship as a team effort

Why not? One, yes, he cheated on me before, but I’m not so clean as well. We both made mistakes, and I believe forgiveness comes with acceptance and the moment I let him into my life again, I knew I chose to forgive him for that already. I knew I chose to believe and trust in him again. Point blank, if you’re not ready to trust again, don’t enter a relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to your partner. And it’s definitely unhealthy to throw their mistakes back into their faces again every time we’re having trust issues. If you see that your S.O. trying to work on gaining your trust back, don’t be smashing his/her progress by doing this. Working on conscious efforts to try and trust again little by little would do a lot.

Consider your own mental state

Two, it’s not healthy for my self, and my own mind. Just like unfollowing or blocking people can give you peace, not checking your partner’s social media can also help. I used to be so invested in every conversation my boyfriend’s had, with his friends… even his relatives and workmates, that I hurt myself about things that I shouldn’t be hurt about. For instance, there was this conversation he had with a friend about another girl, describing how pretty she was that day, and how angelic her face was. But this was from when we weren’t together (yes, we can go that far back), so I shouldn’t get hurt, right? But, because I was a very jealous girlfriend back then, I did get hurt. And, frankly, it’s all on me for even reading those messages.

A lot of us can be like that too, sometimes. Hurting ourselves even when our partners had done nothing wrong. Just sometimes, small things. Like whose “day” they viewed. Things that shouldn’t be a big deal. Plus, I never really found anything incriminating (shrugs).

If he wants to, he will.

My mantra has been, “If he wants to cheat on me, he will”. I can control his social media, but if he wants to, he will find a way to cheat. Never mind social media, he can cheat on me at work or using another platform. The options never end! Point is, you can’t prevent your partner from cheating. You can only work on the relationship you both have. If they cheat, that’s on them and not on you for not preventing it. To me, it’s a matter of trusting that your partner is mature enough not to do it. And if he does cheat despite that trust, why would you still want to be with that kind of person?

Seeing as it doesn’t do me any good, I stopped checking my boyfriend’s social media account, and it worked miracles for us. I also stopped blocking girls for him without him knowing. I’m his girlfriend, yes, but I shouldn’t have the autonomy over who he chooses to cut off from his life. We haven’t fought about jealousy ever since, and I haven’t felt insecure in a long time, too. Do you also think that trust and loyalty can have a healthy balance? Share us your thoughts on the comments down below! Or hit us up on our Facebook or Twitter @UDoUPh.